I think it was my teen years that I started wanting to be anywhere besides where I was. That feeling of needing to escape…the good…the bad…just be free of it all. Except I was never free. That feeling followed me most of my life. Nothing was ever good enough to fill that feeling of not being present. Drugs, alcohol, food, men, tv, work, exercise have all attempted to squash the feeling over the years, but the outcome is always the same. Me left with a gaping hole in my soul crying for more things to fix me.
I don’t want the high anymore. I don’t look for endorphins. I found out that’s just not a safe place for me to go. Because the higher I am, the lower I fall. Please don’t get me wrong. I love a good time. I definitely have fun. Just not at the expense of mismanaged serotonin levels. The happiness I have today isn’t fueled by people, substances, or any outside things. I am happy and peaceful today because I work on living in that grey zone. The sweet spot that happens when we let go of black and white thinking.
Today I practice wanting what I have. I work on accepting whatever circumstances the universe puts in front of me.
My happiness isn’t store bought. It’s hard earned. I paid for it in tears and laughter.
True joy isn’t found in the endorphin rush. It’s found in presence and stillness. That is when the heart sings it’s most beautiful song.