Update: I originally wrote this post weeks before I got sober. I kept it here because I think it resonates with all of us. So much of my pain is now gone thanks to my participation in a program of recovery. It’s always positive to look back to where I was and to have gratitude for where I am today. I still have pain at times but it’s less of a motivator to do the work necessary daily so that pain doesn’t run the show.
Recently I recognized that I hadn’t “officially” ended my relationship with my pain. When something has dominated your life in such a way, it can be difficult to completely say goodbye. I had a lot of fear about that, but it kept showing up in relationships I was choosing in my life. Making it evident that I needed to let go so that all the possible good I was attempting to bring into my life could actually get in. Pain loves to stand in the way of that. I have the right to good, the right to pleasure, and the right to love. So do you. Feel free to add your own break up letter into the comments.
Every time I try to write this letter to you, I run. Because you are delicious and sweet to my body in the worst kind of way. You are everything that I have ever known. You are heroin, you are nicotine, you are sugar, you are caffeine, you are wine. I can call on you anytime and you are always there….day or night. For almost 30 years I’ve been attached to you and relied on your availability to meet my needs. I use our relationship to end every good thing that comes my way. When life becomes challenging or overwhelming I run to you like a moth to a flame. But now things are different. You don’t own me any longer. Now when I run to you I realize almost immediately your toxic nature. The twinge in my heart is an instant reminder of your danger. Quite honestly, you disgust me. I’ve known for some time that we we’re over but I’ve held on out of fear, out of predictability.
I’m breaking up with you and I’m starting a brand new relationship. His name is Pleasure and he is much sweeter and more delicious than you could ever be. Pleasure puts a smile on my face and in my heart in the way you never could and never will. I know you’ll try to show up, but I have a restraining order against you. Thank you for all you taught me but it’s time to say goodbye. You’re not welcome here anymore.